Very often, when we are confronted with spouses that grow more abusive each day and continue to say they love us, we find ourselves at a bit of a loose end.

What should we do when our spouses alternate between being loving and abusive Very often, when we are confronted with spouses that grow more abusive each day and continue to say they love us, we find ourselves at a bit of a loose end.

If this pattern starts emerging at the beginning of the marriage, yet another doubt springs to mind. Should the woman taking the abuse walk out, or should she try and give the marriage a chance After all, it may be still too early to call it quits, and perhaps there is a chance that the marriage can improve over time.

How much time should you give the marriage

This question essentially should be the last one on your mind. If your husband starts abusing you verbally at the start of your marriage, you can be sure that as the marriage progresses, things are more likely to grow worse than they are to grow better.

If the abuse has just started, it is best if you speak to your spouse about it at the outset and tell him that you are really upset by certain aspects of his behaviour. Without doubt, you should not make a decision rashly or walk out of a marriage without giving it a chance. If your husband sees things your way and starts trying to control his tongue, there may still be a chance for salvation. The very fact that he is trying to improve should mean something to you. However, it is also possible that your husband has a bad temper and an abusive nature, and even though he may not want the marriage to end, he may be unable to control his fits of rage.

Now that is something you have to decide if you want to live with it or not. Also, introspect when making the decision. If you decide to stay on, is it because you really love your husband and cannot live without him, or is it because you want to leave but feel trapped

Are you independent

A large number of women stay on in abusive marriages because they are dependent on their spouses, and as a result they end up feeling trapped. If the only reason you are still with your spouse is because you are dependent on him, then start taking steps that will help you get more independent. You don't have to leave your husband tomorrow you could do so after a few years. This way you will not only be more independent by the end of 3-4 years, but you would have given your marriage a good chance to get back on its feet. If things have only worsened in this much time, you can walk out whenever you wish. However, if things have improved you can stay on. At least you will have a choice in the matter and a choice is something that is missing when you are not independent.

If your husband has a temper problem, consider requesting him to opt for counselling, or the two of you could try couple therapy and see if it helps him see your point of view more clearly.

How much abuse is too much

The problem with being in an abusive marriage is that very often the wife is subject to abuse so often that pretty soon she either starts ignoring it, or starts believing that she is indeed as useless as her husband keeps saying she is. Either way, she incorporates abuse into her daily life and believes that this is just one of the things she has to live with. It isn't. You can have a choice but you need to work at it. Once you have the freedom to choose how to lead your life, exercise this freedom wisely, and try and do what's best for you.