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Teaching Respect
- Sangeeta
Reena has two children, a nine-year-old
son and a four-year-old daughter. She is constantly receiving complaints
about her son's rude behaviour from his school - and even from his grandparents.
Her daughter too has begun throwing her weight around, and seems to have
no respect for her elders. Reena is embarrassed, confused and doesn't know
what to do.
Lack of respect is becoming rather
common these days, especially where the children are exposed to cultural
imperialism and high doses of warped societal values via the television.
Children also witness or hear things from people around them, which they
adopt. We cannot always control our child's environment. However we can
teach them what is correct and respectful behaviour.
Teaching our children respect is
the most valuable lesson we can give them. As parents we have to inculcate
'respect' in our children from an early age, so they grow up to be respectful
citizens.
Explaining
Begin when the child is a toddler.
Tell him that everyone should be treated with kindness and consideration.
Guide him, and praise him whenever he behaves. Also, tell him if he wants
to be treated with consideration, he must show the same to others. So he
must stop talking back to his peers, and instead, deal with his feelings
in other ways. What Reena should do is sit down and have a talk with
her children separately. She should find out what her son's problem is,
whether it stems from some complex within, hurt, or anger. Once Reena gets
to the bottom of things, she should try to help her son resolve the same
in ways other than 'talking back', 'cheekiness' or 'rowdiness'. She can
even help him practice at home how to deal with situations confidently
yet politely. For her younger daughter, together with explaining the right
way to behave, a stern hand is needed to curb the typical phase of a wilful
four year old, before it turns into a habit. Respect is conveyed in various
ways, through use of words, actions and body language. A child may not
have said anything disrespectful in words to his teacher, but his body
language may have been insolent.
Words
Children must be taught the value
of words. Through examples in daily life, show them how words can hurt,
anger or be disrespectful. Words should be used with care and caution,
as once uttered they cannot be taken back. For instance, if your child
is hurt because his playmate called him names, tell him that just as his
friend's words hurt him, similarly his taunting could hurt his friend.
If he wants his friend to behave well, he too must make the effort to be
nice.
Actions
A child must be taught that his actions
towards his peers or friends reveal instantly his deference to them. Even
if an elder shouts at him, shouting back or hitting is not acceptable behaviour.
Actions speak louder than words, goes the saying. So if a child has been
according respect to his teacher, but at the same time makes faces behind
his back, the action speaks louder about his 'respect' towards his teacher.
Body Language
This is an oft forgotten aspect of
parenting. Certain forms of body language remain with a person even in
adulthood. Gestures like shrugging shoulders, various motions of hands
or feet that children use today, are improper body language for a child,
and show disrespect. Any such rude body language should be pointed out
to the child at the first available opportunity.
Modelling
Every interaction with children provides
an opportunity to teach values.
Through daily
interactions
A child will not always remember
what he has been told about 'respect', but he will remember what we have
done or how we have behaved in similar circumstances. If we show sensitivity
towards his feelings and scold him in privacy rather than in front of others,
he will learn the meaning of respect.
Through our examples
If we want our children to accord
respect and deference to their peers no matter what our own adult frictions,
we must make an effort in front of the children to treat our elders too
with respect. If you want your child to be respectful to others, demonstrate
the same through your own actions and attitude. If you want your child
to be a courteous, law-abiding citizen, let him observe your conduct when
you are driving, shopping, or attending a social event. Children learn
mostly by observing our actions.
Through the way
we do things as a family
Respect is something we must give
in order to get. When a child lives in a respectful atmosphere, it shows
in his treatment of others. So respect your spouse, and your child will
learn to respect his or her spouse in turn. Respect your parents, and your
child will learn to respect you.
Teaching Respect
For Self
A child has also to be taught the
meaning of 'respect for self'. This can be demonstrated through an
unwillingness to endure disrespect. The more often parents model respect
for the child, the less often they need to discipline the child.
Those times when we ask a child to
do something and he does not respond, we can model mutual respect by delaying
a privilege or pleasurable activity. Speak to your child in tones you would
like to hear from him. Validate him by listening to him. Minimize his mistakes,
focus on what he does right and encourage it. Express appreciation for
his help, and show your faith in him. Encourage signs of progress and avoid
demanding perfection. Avoid criticizing and nit-picking or fault finding.
Make requests rather than barking out orders. Very soon you will have a
respectful child. Teach your child that you have to earn respect. Remember,
respect is commanded, not demanded.
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