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Building
Individual Relationships
It is very natural for parents to
have different views on child rearing. Sometimes the mother may be too
strict while the father is lenient. Other times the father may believe
in spanking a child who misbehaves while the mother strongly opposes this.
So how would two parents, with completely opposing points of view, come
to an agreement?
Respect
Parents don't have to come to an
agreement. It's alright to have different views. However, it is important
to respect your partner's right to his or her own stance on child rearing.
Don't try and impose your opinions on your partner. If you believe hitting
a child is wrong, then don't hit your child, but don't stop your partner
from doing so.
Permission
Very often when children don't get
permission from one parent, they rush to the other. In such a case it is
important not to overrule a decision once made. If your partner has denied
permission and your child comes wailing to you, ask your child to sit back
and reflect on why she thinks she has not got permission, and what she
can do in the future to ensure she gets it.
Playing parents
against each other
If you take the side of your child
against the other parent, your child will start playing you and your partner
against each other. This will give the child the feeling that one partner
is stronger than the other in the relationship, and will take, what she
perceives to be the 'weaker' partner, for granted. Your child will not
hesitate in running to you and saying "Mommy slapped me!" and then will
sit back and take in the scene as you rush to her defense by berating mommy.
Individual relationships
Your child has an individual relationship
with each parent, and the other parent should not interfere in such a relationship.
In addition, parents have to respect children's individual relationships
with not just the other parent, but also with friends and other relatives.
If granny spoils your child, there's really nothing you can do about it.
At worst, your child will learn to take granny for granted. But if granny
says to you, "Okay, stop shouting at her now! Enough!" and to your child,
"Come here sweety, granny will give you a cookie," - that constitutes granny
interfering in your individual relationship with your child. Behaviour
like this should be put at an end to immediately.
Similarly, with
friends…
If your child comes running to you
because she has had a fight with her friends, don't rush in and fight her
battles. If you feel the fight was very serious and warrants interfering,
you could have a word with the parent of the other child in question.
In conclusion
Let your child form her own relationships
with others. If she has a fight with her friends, she will learn to resolve
it herself. If neither parent takes her side against each other, she will
learn to respect both parents. If she gets teased at school, she will learn
that life is not fair. But what is important is that she will learn to
cope - without your help.
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